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AARP Article

How To Write A Last Letter To Your Loved Ones

Complete your estate plan with this one last bit of paperwork

Let’s assume you’re well-organized. All your personal papers are in order, your will and living will are up to date, and you’ve named a health care proxy. You’ve readied final instructions and listed which of your heirs get which personal mementos. Are you done?

No. As helpful as all your preparations are going to be, nowhere have you mentioned love.

VJ Periyakoil, a specialist in geriatrics and palliative care at the Stanford University Medical Center, has had countless conversations with people near the end of their lives. The most common thing they talk about, she says, is regret — regret that they hadn’t spoken enough loving words to their spouse, or told their children how much they cared, or apologized for doing something hurtful, or thanked a special friend.

It’s not too late, as long as you still can put pen to paper (or hand to keyboard). Think about writing your family or best friend a “last letter,” showing what’s in your heart. Your words will make their lives a little better.

It’s often tough to get started on such a letter, especially when you’re still healthy and don’t feel an immediate need. But there’s help. The Stanford Letter Project, founded by Periyakoil, offers a friends-and-family letter template for your thoughts, as well as suggestions on what to include. You’ll find the template and sample letters at med.stanford.edu/letter.

Good letters start the way you might expect — acknowledging the important people in your life, telling them that you love them and expressing pride in their achievements. Maybe you think you don’t have to write these things down because you’ve said them already. But spoken words sometimes get lost in the family scrum. Written, they can be held in the hand, and cherished, for life. You might also mention treasured moments you spent with your child, family or friend.

Next comes a harder part — the apology section. Many patients, looking back, find themselves pained by specific actions or behaviors that hurt one of the people they love, Periyakoil says. She urges you to say you’re sorry. One letter won’t fix, say, a distant relationship with a sister. But it might make her (and you) feel a little better. If you write this letter while still healthy, it might even impel you to try healing that relationship. In this respect, these letters become what Periyakoil calls a CT scan of your soul. They can open new paths while you’re still alive.

You might also forgive anyone you love who has hurt you in the past, if you can. It’s solace for those you love, and cathartic for you. If you can’t forgive, keep mum. A last letter from you should be one of love and reconciliation, not spite. Death does not end your responsibility to those you leave behind.

Finally, remember to thank people for the love and care that you have received, and say goodbye.

Once you’re finished, put the letter (or letters) with your will or in a drawer where you store precious things. When you’re ready, consider delivering the letter yourself. For your family, it will be an abiding gift. 

 (Originally published in The AARP Monthly Bulletin.)

AARP Article

Don’t Split Heirs With Your Estate

Consider your options carefully if you have a stepfamily

When you say “I do,” you’re entering a financial partnership as well as an emotional one. If you say “I do” a second time and have children, your partnership acquires new stakeholders — not necessarily willing ones. Adult children have expectations about how much they’ll inherit and how soon. A new spouse scrambles that calculus. “Stepparents and stepchildren are natural competitors,” says estate-planning attorney Mark Accettura, author of Blood & Money: Why Families Fight Over Inheritance and What to Do About It. “It’s the number one source of conflict in my practice.”

All should be well if you and your spouse are each financially independent and leave your own assets to your natural heirs. But if one spouse depends on the other for support, assets will have to be tied up for that spouse’s lifetime. In cases of May-December marriages, children of the older spouse might have to wait an extra 15 years or more before any money comes their way. No smiles there.

Nevertheless, your first responsibility is to your spouse. When you write a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement or update your wills, you’ll each want to be sure that the other will have enough to live on if left alone. A surviving spouse does have the right to claim certain amounts of the late spouse’s assets, in the absence of a will or proper prenup. The award can be large or a trifle, depending on state law — be sure you know which.

At the death of the first spouse, distribute at least a little cash to all the adult children, equally. It’s not so much the amount as the signal that you cared.

In families with good (or good enough) relationships, children and stepchildren should be treated the same in wills. If there’s a reason not to, the results should still seem fair. For example, take a man with a young second family. He might set aside enough for their education and divide the rest of the children’s money equally.

A persistent source of conflict is the division of personal property, says John Scroggin, an attorney with Scroggin & Co. in Atlanta. First-family heirlooms might be claimed by second-family children — in the worst case leading to lawsuits. You and your spouse can help by signing and dating a list of where important items should go and attaching it to your will.

If you leave everything to your spouse, you can’t be sure that your natural children will ever inherit any money. That’s because, after your death, the ties between stepparent and stepchildren might fray. Your spouse’s children will murmur, “You haven’t seen Freddie for 10 years — why leave him 30 percent of the estate?”

To preserve inheritances, it helps to leave money for children in trust, with income to the spouse for life. Still, the spouse can effect changes. “In real life, the survivor wins,” says Martin Kurtz, a financial planner at the Planning Center in Moline, Ill.

Memo to self: Discuss options with a lawyer. Memo to children and stepchildren: Keep in touch.

(Originally published in The AARP Monthly Bulletin.)

AARP Article

What Happens to Your Debt When You Die

Know what you owe and what you don’t

Almost everyone dies owing at least some debt. Sometimes it’s only last month’s ordinary bills plus final medical expenses. But there can be shocking surprises for survivors — debts unknown to the children and even to the spouse of the deceased. Heirs might discover large credit card balances, undisclosed home equity loans or gambling debts.

Creditors are entitled to payment, from the money and property (the “estate”) that your loved one left behind. But what if he or she didn’t leave enough to get everyone repaid? Can the creditors come after you?

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. With loans secured by property, such as mortgages, an heir has to keep up the monthly payments or else sell the property to cover the debt. Unsecured loans, such as credit card debt and student loans, are another matter. Your liability depends very much on the nature of the bill, the type of property and your state’s laws. But here’s what I can say, generally.

  • Some money is protected. At death, unsecured creditors cannot collect from life insurance payments, pay-on-death bank or brokerage accounts, jointly held property that passes directly to the surviving owner, or retirement plans such as 401(k)s and IRAs that have named beneficiaries, says IRA expert Ed Slott of IRAhelp.com. They’re safe — but only if they were handled right. By “right,” I mean that the deceased filled out a beneficiary form for each account, naming the people who were to inherit. If this step was skipped, the funds will be paid into the estate, where they can be used to satisfy the creditors.
  • Your signature matters. If you signed a joint application for a credit card, you owe the balance even if you didn’t know how high it had grown. If you were merely an “authorized user,” however, most states don’t require you to pay. (Note that authorized users shouldn’t use the card after the owner dies if the estate is broke. Such spending could be considered fraud.) Spouses are generally not liable for any separate debts their mate incurred before the wedding or, in most cases, after. Rules in community property states, such as Texas and California, are different. Your community property can generally be tapped to pay a spouse’s debts. But creditors can’t take your separate property, says Cathy Moran, an attorney in Mountain View, Calif. In any state, you’ll still owe any private debt you cosigned with the deceased, such as a student loan. Some private student lenders will forgive the loan, but most won’t.
  • You have to pay the doctor. Final medical bills are usually considered a spouse’s responsibility. If your mate entered a hospital, the admission papers you signed probably included a payment agreement. When there’s no money, however, and the survivor has very little income, health providers might write off the account.
  • Get tough. Don’t be talked into making a few payments on bills you do not owe. Creditors might claim that you willingly assumed the debt. Tell them, “No, no, never.” You know your rights. 

(Originally published in The AARP Monthly Bulletin.)

AARP Article

Why You Need a Will

Does everybody need a will? The straight answer is yes. That’s true even for people who think they don’t have a dime to leave to anyone. What if you were in an accident and died later of injuries, and your estate won a $1 million settlement? Who gets the money?

Admittedly, that’s a little far out. You might get away without having a will if, say, you’re a renter living on Social Security with no savings. If you have savings, a pay-on-death account will pass that money to named beneficiaries when you die.

But there are hitches to any no-will scheme, says attorney Patrick Lannon of Bilzin Sumberg in Miami. To begin with, a random financial asset almost always turns up. Examples might be a rental deposit that’s returned or a medical reimbursement. Those checks will be made out to the deceased. How do your heirs get them cashed?

If you had a will, you’d have named an executor to cash checks, pay off creditors and distribute any money or property to your beneficiaries. Without one, your heirs will have to ask a court to appoint a personal administrator. Usually, it will appoint your surviving spouse or a child. But you risk a family fight over who should be in charge.

Some couples try to go will-free by putting everything into joint names. Joint assets pass to the other owner automatically. So do assets with beneficiary forms, such as individual retirement accounts. But something is inevitably left out — typically, a car, Lannon says. Heirs would need an administrator to transfer title. Even if the joint-asset strategy works for the first death, what happens when the other spouse dies? He or she should make a will, which you both could have done from the start.

When there’s no will, state law dictates who gets the house, car, savings and other assets. Those laws vary widely. A surviving spouse might get everything in one state but only one-third in another, with the rest going to your children. If you have no children, half might go to a spouse and half to your parents.

Lawyers are the best source for reliable wills. Your lawyer will also remind you that you need a durable power of attorney and a health care proxy, so someone can manage your finances and make medical choices if you’re unable to do so yourself.

If you’re allergic to lawyers, you can find free, state-specific will forms online. In most states (not all), handwritten wills are also accepted, provided that they were witnessed properly. DIY should be better than nothing. But be careful.

(Originally published in The AARP Monthly Bulletin.)

AARP Article

Making Sound End of Life Decisions

A living will and health care proxy can be crucial for you and your loved ones

Most of us have probably said to a relative or friend, “If I’m in a coma and living on tubes, just pull the plug.” But decision-making toward the end of life isn’t that simple. Maybe another few days might bring you around — how long should your family wait? Often, the medical issue isn’t even the “plug.” What if you have advanced Alzheimer’s and a doctor says you need triple-bypass heart surgery? Would you want your children to say yes or no?

If you’re of sound mind when difficult medical questions arise, you can deal with them yourself. You’re always in charge of your own treatment.

But if you’re in a mental haze, even if only temporarily, someone will have to make decisions on your behalf. That “someone” will be glad for all the advance guidance you can give.

Good medical planning starts with a conversation, among family or friends, to help you clarify your thinking about care. How far do you want any treatments to go, and what minimal quality of life are you willing to accept? Free workbooks are now available online to help with the process, says Charles Sabatino, head of the American Bar Association’s Commission on Law and Aging. A few to try: the Conversation Starter Kit, developed by the columnist Ellen Goodman; End-of-Life Decisions from Caring Connections, a national hospice organization; the ABA’s comprehensive Consumer’s Toolkit for Health Care Advance Planning; and AARP’s Caregiving Resource Center.

To turn your preferences into a legal document, set them down in a properly witnessed living will (a type of advance directive). Your doctors are supposed to act in accordance with what you’ve said. AARP provides state-specific forms at aarp.org/advancedirectives. Caring Connections also provides the forms, as does the American Bar Association. In many states, forms can also be found on the website of the attorney general.

Read any online forms carefully. Some deal mainly with the “easy” questions, such as whether you want treatment ended if you’re being kept alive mechanically. The better forms leave space for expressing your personal values. For example, what kinds of handicaps are you willing to live with? Would you want surgery if there’s a high risk of brain damage? Are you okay with life in a nursing home?

It’s especially helpful to say whether you’d want to be fed intravenously if your conditional is terminal. Medically, the answer may be “no.” Dying people lose their ability to process nutrients, according to the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization. Even providing water might add to discomfort by creating bloat. Well-meaning relatives need to know these things.

If you want to try everything that might keep you alive, it’s also important to say so. Doctors generally won’t provide treatment they think is futile but will go the last mile if that is your written wish and your family insists.

A living will is just the start. You also need to appoint someone as your health care proxy, to stand up for your wishes and make medical decisions that your will doesn’t cover. If you have no close family members, choose a trustworthy friend. You also should sign what’s known as a HIPAA release, giving your advocate access to your medical records.

You need to be especially careful in your planning if you have a degenerative disease, says Martin Shenkman, an attorney in Paramus, N.J., and author of Estate Planning for People with a Chronic Condition or Disability. Living will forms should be modified to include such things as experimental treatments outside the United States, if you want them. Breathing tubes might be fine if they help you maintain an acceptable life at home.

As the disease progresses, your choices might change, which you should also indicate in your living will. Be sure that your health care advocate has a deep understanding of your disease. He or she should live nearby, in case you have an attack and quick decisions are called for.

Religious people should talk with their family about anything in the will that might contravene their beliefs, Shenkman says. For example, some faiths expect doctors to take heroic measures that you might not want, or prohibit organ donation even if it helps advance research into your disease. Warn your family if you’re taking these steps, and be sure that your health care advocate is on your side.

Most end-of-life decisions are made peaceably, without living wills being invoked, says elder-care attorney Gregory French of Cincinnati. They’re invaluable, however, if siblings fight about “what Mom would want” (and the doctors duck).

When you make a regular will for your heirs, your attorney may provide his or her own versions of a living will and health care proxy. Modify them to suit your situation, then sign. As a last act, it’s a classy one.

(Originally published in The AARP Monthly Bulletin.)